The mother-daughter relationship is one of the most important relations that you will ever have. Sadly for me, the fact that I had a toxic mother has ruined this one. This is what happens to some people. Here is my story.
I struggled a lot when I was a child, my parents had a love/hate relationship with each other which was all-consuming. It was a very tense atmosphere to grow up in and I had to learn to just get on with things and look after myself.
I felt different as a child
I would see school friends having a wonderful time with their parents and really thriving, while I became a bit of a loaner. Sometimes I felt like I was an accessory to my mother, she would dress me up and bring me out on special occasions.
As a child, I didn’t know any different but as I got older, I began to wonder why she didn’t love me. I would try my hardest to please her, but it seemed no matter what I did it was never enough. Wondering what was wrong with me, was a constant.
Trying to change myself to be the person she wanted me to be, didn’t work either. I just ended up frustrated and unhappy.
I thought I must be a very unlikeable person if my mother didn’t love me. In the end, I had to cut the ties to stop the hurt. It sounds severe but it was having a detrimental effect on my mental health and I had to heal myself and come to terms with the situation.
Not everyone should have children
It took me years to realise that the problem wasn’t me. I don’t think my mother should have had children. I think whoever she gave birth to would have had a similar issue. The worst thing was when I tried to explain things to other people they would always say ‘Oh your poor mother.’ There was no in-between, there was no thought at all about other issues or about the child in the relationship.
What I’d like to say to the readers is that if you are going through a similar issue you are not at fault. Having toxic parents is common and there is not a thing you can do to change the situation. Sometimes you just have to break the ties and look after yourself. There are some wonderful counsellors out there who deal with this situation and remember you are never alone.
Author: Zoe Reilly Dean writes about truly important things, real struggles, everyday taboos.