Love Letters

“What would you say to your younger self? Use only one sentence. “

LOL. Why do people think they get better in Life as they get older? Like they have it all figured out.

Good one, right?

What would big Jade say to little Jade? Better nothing. No way that little Jade, who was a normal, positive, lovely girl would take advice from this huge mess. In fact, I could really use some advice from little Jade now. But just for fun, let’s see what I would say to little Jade.

Dear Little Jade

I miss you. I miss you so much. Where are you? Please come back. I know you’re hiding, but that’s enough, I really need you now.

How did you let me end up this way? And why? What did we do wrong? I feel like at a certain point we went separate ways, but I cannot figure out when and why. Also, I think that was a mistake. You went after chasing your dreams and I got lost in the deep dark woods.

Remember when you made me feel unstoppable and on top of the world?

Remember when you lit a little fire in my heart that was burning brighter and brighter every day?  This also used to help others to light their own little fires.

Remember when we used to smile just for the sake of it? Remember?

Anyway, I thought we were a great team, so I don’t understand what happened.

Maybe you got sick of me. Did you? I’m sorry, I’ll be better, I promise.

Maybe you are trying to teach me a lesson. Is that it? Because I don’t get it.

Maybe you are watching over me all the time and you’re going to walk in and save the day, like you always do. Or maybe that is just what I wish would happen.

I don’t know.

In case you are worrying, Henry is still here. He is the one thing we DON’T have to worry about. Everything else, though…. Well, everything else is a mess. I am the mess.

Dear Jade

Hi. I’ve missed you SO much.
I see you feel a bit better now. I can feel it, too. You’ve really been a mess though. Yes, I’m here. Of course I’m here, I’m always here. You just never let me speak. You don’t let me speak, think, express, or live in any way.

Last time I remember being here and conscious was a good while ago. I was alive, singing, running, jumping around and enjoying it. But on the first sign of warning you didn’t want to hear it. Not just that you didn’t want to hear it, you didn’t want to see it, feel it, or have it. And you froze. You drowned me and held my head underwater, ice-cold water, until I was out of breath and floating lifeless. But you didn’t kill me. I’m still here. And I still love you. Of course I do. 

And no, I’m not mad at you.
I know you didn’t mean to drown me. I could see it in your eyes. On your scared, panicked face, as you forced me under the surface. That glass-eyed look of fear I will never forget. I do not wish to see that look ever again. Next time listen to me. I only want what’s good for you. I told you, Jade, I TOLD YOU this is not the path for you. I knew you wouldn’t be happy. I know you better than anyone. 

Earlier you said we were a good team. I agree, we were. And we can be one again, but you have to let me speak. You have to listen when I say I have a bad feeling about something. Remember, there is no ‘I’ in the team.
And, yes, I will always come in and save your ass. I always have your back.

XOXO
Little Jade

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